For something so seemingly obvious, I’ve only ever seen a few posts about the pain and difficulties that being involved with a spirit partner brings. And I think part of that is that it IS so —seemingly— obvious. I mean, when I married Loki, I thought I understood that the distance would be painful. I thought I understood what i was getting myself into, so to speak.
But I realize that while I knew, I didn’t understand, if that makes sense.
I KNEW that I would have to face distance for the rest of our lives. But it wasn’t until after the first time I really cried and got angry about it that I understood it. It’s the difference between reading IKEA directions and then actually trying to build the furniture.
I’m a very tactile person. I express love by giving and receiving touch. And while, on one hand, Loki is always with me and I frequently interact with Him, on the other hand, it’s as if He isn’t there. Like our entire marriage is a fancy Skype call. And it bothers me to say things like that, because I feel like I sound ungrateful. Like I’m saying that no matter what He tries to do for me, it’ll never be enough. And that’s…true and untrue.
I love Him, and I want to appreciate everything He does for me. He is my cheerleader on days where everything is shit. He is the reason I don’t hurt myself. He is sometimes the reason I hold on to life. We spend time together. He watches silly cartoons with me sometimes. We have sex *le GASP*
And it’s still painful because I am human and naturally ache for the presence of another physical body.
Even if Mod Asher were to horse Him, I think it still wouldn’t be the same.
And I feel like a little shit for that, sometimes.
But I’m not the first human spouse He’s taken, and I won’t be the last. He knows even better than I do how painful the separation is. He knows, more likely than not, exactly how I’m feeling and why. And so Im sure He understands. Again, it’s kind of an obvious dilemma, right?
And yet, in all the informational posts I’ve seen on godspousery (and I wish I could find more) I rarely see this mentioned. You don’t see this side of spousery. There’s plenty of “Hurrhurr you pretend you’re married to so-and-so. Loser” trolls around, and lots of rebuttals, and a few posts on god sex. Sometimes spouses blog about their experiences. But it’s rare that I ever see posts about the pain of it. Or the arguments and hurt feelings that inevitably crop up between spouses and their gods. Or how to deal with any of that. And I think part of why we made this blog is to take care of just that—the lack of frank posts about this sort of thing.
And of course, neither of us have all the answers. Hell, we barely have ANY answers. We’re fumbling through this blindfolded. But if we share what we’re doing, maybe other people in the same situation can learn from it and be a little closer to figuring this shit out.
Tl;dr Being married to someone without a body hurts a lot and people should talk about it more. :B
When I realized that I’d fallen in love with Anubis, my first reaction was to cry. The distance between us felt so much more real than it had before. I’ve become more adjusted to it, but there are days when I get angry that I can’t reach out and actually touch him. The only time I’ve actually felt him touch me is in my dreams, and I’ve woken up crying more than once. Going from the high of actually being with him, to the low of he was so beautiful and everything was so perfect, why am I still here? is really painful.